hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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