New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
