Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
