I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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