he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
