On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
