Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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