Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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