Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
