when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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