can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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