He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
