i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
