i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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