what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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