Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He felt like a one man threesome
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
