Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize