I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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