I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
