I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
