I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
should my penis look like a turkey
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
