You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
