dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
