Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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