i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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