He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
