I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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