4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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