He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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