He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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