Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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