So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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