It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
