cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
3 2 1 whiskey
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
