Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
