2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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