umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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