that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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