I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
