walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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