i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
