Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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