dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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