I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Of course I have a pirate flag
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
