Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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