If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It was a blind-side dick pic.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
