her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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