I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
