He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
