I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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