I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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