i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize