i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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