i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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