my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
