Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
