I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
