fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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