Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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