i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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