the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Let's paint friendship bongs
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
