Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
