If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
