my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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