i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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